Before I discovered meditation I was in a very bad way for many years. I suffered from clinical depression, terrible anxiety, anger problems, post traumatic stress, chronic stress, sleep deprivation, burn out, OCD and unfortunately I attempted to take my own life on more that one occasion. Pretty much everything that could have went wrong really did seem to go wrong and life was like a living hell. I went round and round the cycle of going to the doctors, going to counselling sessions, therapy, and I was prescribed pretty much every anti depressant available as well as tranquillisers and sleeping tablets, but nothing ever seemed to work for me. The anti-depressants didn’t work and I experienced bad side affects, It was the same for the sleeping pills. The tranquillisers did the job with the anxiety, but they were just papering over the very deep cracks really, and as time passed I needed more and more of them to take affect. I really was at the end of my tether to put it mildly!
One evening when I was going to end my own life I was talking out loud to the universe saying. “I know it’s not fair on my children to do this but I have tried everything! I really have tried everything and I can’t be a good father to them anymore because I am so damaged. I have exhausted all options and the only option left to end the pain is to end my life.” I stepped out onto a busy road so I would get hit by a car but the car stopped in time. Out of sheer embarrassment and shame I just walked off quickly and when I was back on the side of the road a voice said to me. “You haven’t tried everything, you haven’t tried meditation!” I thought. “That’s right, I haven’t tried meditation.” So I decided, as a last resort to try meditation because I had nothing to lose, and if I was going to end it, I felt that I needed to be satisfied that I had done everything possible before doing so.
So I went to the first local Meditation group I found on line. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and took every bit of courage I had. I felt like a fish out of water because I felt that I was from the opposite ed of the spectrum to these people as I came from the streets, but I am so glad I made that step. I very much enjoyed it, and instantly felt a connection. I came home, meditated, and I continued to meditated every day from then on. After a few days I felt different, like my mind was operating in a different way. I was already beginning to think differently and see things in a different light. This fuelled my motivation to seriously commit to meditation and I instantly escalated my practice time. Very quickly all the major attachments that were holding me back and wielding power over me began to fade becoming less potent, and I was able to let go and leave them in the past where they belong. I no longer felt burdened and oppressed. The heaviness had been lifted and it was like I had been re-born. For the first time in my life of which I am able to remember, I woke up in a state of happiness that dependant on nothing...
It’s ironic because in the build up to this which was the absolute worst period of my life, Venus and Mars were visible in the night sky. I observed them on the crisp, clear, and cold winter nights which lasted for around four to six weeks. I was mesmerised by them, observing them every evening wondering what the meaning of this phenomena was, but as I was accustomed to habitual negative thinking I assumed it must be a sign of further suffering to come. Little did I know that I was on the verge of the most profoundly fundamental life changing event ever. I feel that the shift in cosmological energy due to the presence of these objects in the night sky is what caused the dormant seed within to sprout and flourish into the flower of well-being. Whats I find even more remarkable is that I did not notice Mars at first due the magnificent light of Venus drawing my undivided attention, and it was my almost 4 year old daughter that alerted me to the presence of Mars when she said "look papa! I can see Mars!" I was amazed because there is was. So much smaller and more subtle than Venus but unmistakable once seen. My Mum instantly jumped online to confirm these observations, but me and my baby girl new exactly what were experiencing. Never the less it was confirmed!
Now I’m a more calm and well balanced person. I have realised compassion, and I continue to be generous without expectation of return. In the realisation that I’m a seeker of Spirit, I have found some peace. I don’t worry about things anymore; I enjoy the simple but beautiful things in life that are free and in abundance for us all to enjoy. I have been able to let go of past traumas, and I don’t worry about what might happen in the future because I have realised the art of living; enjoying the simple and pleasant aspects of life as they continue to arise. I also became a lover of metaphysical scripture written by the greats ages of history when I started meditating, because it allowed me to develop the skills to become my own doctor, my own teacher, my own therapist, and my own saviour. Discovering the practice of meditation has been the greatest blessing of my life, that continues to have a positive affect on myself and those around me.
I‘m still experiencing some terrible on-going problems in life, but thanks to the insight gained through meditation I am able to see things clearly for what they are. Understanding the true nature of the problem and how it could affect me in a detrimental way, but only if I allow it to do so. The true nature of life is that bad things will always happen, but for every bad situation that arises I realised there is only ever two choices. One choice is to allow myself to be consumed by the problem which will have an extremely negative affect on my well-being, my life and those that care for me. The second choice, is to accept it has happened and there is nothing I can do to change it, so there is no point allowing what ever has happened to effect my present and future opportunities.
We have no control over the terrible events that occur in life, but the one thing we can learn to control in this life: is how we let things affect us right here and now, as like continues to unfold, and this is something I would have never achieved if I had not been lead to the path of meditation.
The past is gone, it doesn't exist anymore and it can't be changed. What's going to be in the future will be, and it's out of our control. The only thing we can really control in this existence, is how we let things affect us right here and now in each moment. If we maintain our well-being in the present moment, then what will be is likely to be better than what will be if we are depressed, anxious, stressed, and so on... If we take care of the present moment, the future will take care of it's self.
I have invested an immense amount of time into researching and practicing, which has assisted me in the realisation of a deep and profound understanding.
Through the insights gained in meditation upon the contemplation of my own life experiences, I feel that I am very well equipped to assist others in helping themselves, the same way I was able to help myself. No matter how dark times may seem, darkness will inevitably give way to the light.
It may seem like there is no hope or no way out, but there is if you can find the strength to commit and dedicate yourself to the practice. Discipline is required.
I spent many years looking for someone else to fix my problems until I realised there was only one person in the world that could do so and it was me.
I can teach you, guid you, and support you through the process, but I can't meditate for you. Only you can make the commitment to actually practice meditation on a regular basis. Your development in meditation will naturally bleed over into your everyday life experience, resulting in a more peaceful and fulfilling life experience.
I have a government recognised Meditation Teaching qualification with distinction and a Mindfulness Teaching qualification recognised by the UK Mindfulness Network. As far as I am concerned they are worthless pieces of paper that do not mean anything. It is not my qualifications that make me a good teacher; It's my journey through life, and how I was able to overcome the darkness.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
May you be blessed with peace and prosperity,