Before I discovered meditation I was in a very bad way for many years. I suffered from clinical depression, terrible anxiety, anger problems, post traumatic stress, chronic stress, sleep deprivation, burn out, OCD and unfortunately I attempted to take my own life on more that one occasion. Pretty much everything that could have went wrong really did seem to go wrong and life was like a living hell. I went round and round the cycle of going to the doctors, going to counselling sessions, therapy, and I was prescribed pretty much every anti depressant available as well as tranquillisers and sleeping tablets but nothing ever seemed to work for me. The anti-depressants didn’t work and I experienced bad side affects, It was the same for the sleeping pills. The tranquillisers did their job with the anxiety but they were just papering over very deep cracks really and as time passed I needed more and more of them to take affect. I really was at the end of my tether to put it mildly!
One evening when I was going to end my own life I was talking out loud to the universe saying. “I know it’s not fair on my children to do this but I have tried everything! I really have tried everything and I can’t be a good father to them anymore because I am so damaged. I have exhausted all options and the only option left to end the pain is by ending my life.” I stepped out onto a busy road so I would get hit by a car but the car stopped in time. Out of sheer embarrassment and shame I just walked off quickly and when I was back on the side of the road a voice said to me. “You haven’t tried everything, you haven’t tried meditation!” I thought. “That’s right, I haven’t tried meditation.” So I decided, as a last resort to try meditation because I had nothing to lose, and if I was going to end it, I felt that I needed to be satisfied that I had done everything possible before doing so.
So I went to the first local Buddhist Meditation group I found on line, I enjoyed it, and instantly felt a connection. I came home, meditated, and I continued to meditated every day from then on. After a few days I felt different like my mind was operating in a different way. I was already beginning to think differently and see things in a different light. This fuelled my motivation to seriously commit to meditation and I instantly escalated my practice time. Very quickly all the major attachments that were holding me back and wielding power over me began to fade becoming less potent and I was able to let go and leave them in the past where they belong. I no longer felt burdened and oppressed. The heaviness had been lifted and it was like I had been re-born. For the first time in my life of which I am able to remember I woke up in a state of happiness that depended on nothing...
It’s ironic because in the build up to this which was the absolute worst period of my life, Venus and Mars were visible in the night sky. I observed them on the crisp, clear, and cold winter nights which lasted for around four to six weeks. I was mesmerised by them, observing them every evening and wondering what the meaning of this phenomena was but as I was consumed by negative thinking I assumed it must be a sign of suffering and more bad things to come. Little did I know that I was on the verge of the most profoundly fundamental life changing event. I feel that the shift in cosmological energy due to the presence of these objects in the night sky is what caused the dormant seed within to sprout and flourish, ripening into the fruit of meditation. Whats I find even more remarkable is that I did not notice Mars at first due the magnificent light of Venus drawing my undivided attention and it was actually my almost 4 year old daughter that alerted me to the presence of Mars when said "look papa! I can see Mars!" I was amazed because there is was. So much smaller and more subtle than Venus but unmistakable once spotted. My Mum instantly jumped on google to confirm these observations but me and my baby girl new exactly what were experiencing. Never the less it was confirmed!
Now I’m a more calm and well balanced person. I have developed compassion and I continue to be generous but without expectation of return. I discovered that I’m deeply spiritual and I have found some peace. I don’t worry about things anymore and I enjoy the simple but beautiful things in life that are free in abundance for us all to enjoy. I have been able to let go of past traumas and I don’t worry about what might happen in the future because I have cultivated the art of mindfulness, living, enjoying and being in the present moment. I also became a lay follower of The Buddha when I started meditating because it allowed me to develop the skills to become my own doctor, my own teacher, my own counsellor, my own therapist, and my own saviour. Discovering the art of mindfulness meditation has been the greatest blessing of my life that is continuing to have a positive affect on myself and those around me.
I‘m still experiencing some terrible on-going problems in life, but thanks to the insight gained through meditation I am able to see things clearly for what they are. Understanding the true nature of the problem and how it could affect me in a detrimental way, but only if I allow it to do so. The true nature of life is that bad things will always happen but for every bad situation that arises I realised there is only ever two choices. One choice is to allow myself to be consumed by the problem which will have an extremely negative affect on my well-being, my life and those that care for me. The second choice is to accept it has happened and that there is nothing I can do to change it so there is no point letting what ever has happened spoil my present and future opportunities.
We have no control over the terrible events that occur in life but the one thing we can control in this life is how we let things affect us right here and now as we continue to move forwards and this is something I would have never achieved if I had not been lead to the path of meditation.
The past is gone, it doesn't exist anymore and it can't be changed. What's going to be in the future will be, and it's out of our control. The only thing we can really control in this universe is how we let things affect us right here and now in each moment. If we maintain our well-being in the present moment then what will be is likely to be better than what will be if we are depressed, anxious, stressed and so on... If we take care of the present moment the future will take care of it's self.
I have invested an immense amount of time into practicing meditation and studying which has assisted me in the discovery of knowledge and wisdom.
Through the insights gained in meditation upon the contemplation of my own life experiences I feel that I
am very well equipped to assist others in helping themselves the same way I was able to, by finding some light at the end of a very long dark tunnel after many years of darkness.
It may seem like there is no hope or no way out, but there is if you can find the strength to commit and dedicate yourself to the practice.
I spent many years looking for someone else to fix my problems until I realised there was only one person that could help me and that person was me.
I can teach you, guid you, and support you through the process but I can't meditate for you. Only you can make the commitment to actually practice meditation on a regular basis. Your development in meditation will naturally transfer over into everyday your everyday life for perception and response. Mindfulness becomes a way of life...
I have a government recognised Meditation Teaching qualification with distinction and a Mindfulness Teaching qualification recognised by the UK Mindfulness Network. As far as I am concerned they are worthless pieces of paper that do not mean anything. It is not my qualifications that make me a good teacher. It is my journey through life and what I was able to overcome in meditation.
Without condition, may all beings, in all directions, throughout the entire universe attain peace.
Thank you for reading my story,