Before I discovered meditation I was in a very bad way for many years. I suffered from clinical depression, terrible anxiety, anger problems, post traumatic stress, chronic stress, sleep deprivation, burn out, OCD and unfortunately I attempted to take my own life on more that one occasion. Pretty much everything that could have went wrong really did seem to go wrong and life was like a living hell. I went round and round the cycle of going to the doctors, going to counselling sessions, therapy, and I was prescribed pretty much every anti depressant available as well as tranquillisers and sleeping tablets but nothing ever seemed to work for me. The anti-depressants didn’t work and I experienced bad side affects, It was the same for the sleeping pills. The tranquillisers done the job but they were just papering over very deep cracks and as time passed I needed more and more of them to take affect. I really was at the end of my tether to put it mildly!
One evening when I was planning to kill myself I was talking out loud to the universe saying. “I know it’s not fair on my children to do this but I have tried everything! I really have tried everything and I can’t be a good father to them because of the way I am. I have tried all options and the only option left is to end this suffering by ending my life.” I stepped out onto a busy road so I would get hit by a car but the car stopped in time. Out of sheer embarrassment and shame I just walked off quickly and when I was back on the side of the road a voice said to me. “You haven’t tried everything, you haven’t tried meditation!” I thought. “That’s right, I haven’t tried meditation.” So I decided, as a last resort to try meditation because I had nothing to lose, and if I was going to end it, I felt that I needed to be satisfied that I had done everything possible before doing so.
I believe this seed was planted in my consciousness due to a very subtle interest that was subconsciously developing due to some stories I had heard about the mind power of some Buddhist Monks and some information I received about the mind power of ancient Buddhist Practitioners from a TV programme I was very interested in at the time, and in the year leading up to this moment.
So I went to the first local Buddhist Meditation group I found on line, I enjoyed it, and instantly felt a connection. I came home, meditated, and I continued to meditated every day from then on. After a few days I felt different like my mind was operating in a different way. I was already beginning to think differently and see things in a different light. This fuelled my motivation to seriously commit to meditation and I instantly escalated my practice time. Very quickly all the major defilements I mentioned earlier were fading away from my consciousness and it was like I had been re-born.
It’s funny because in the build up to this which was the absolute worst period of my life, Venus and Mars were visible in the night sky. I observed them on the crisp, clear, and cold winter nights which lasted for around four weeks or so. I was mesmerised by them and I constantly looked up at them but I thought it must me a sign of suffering and more bad things to come. Little did I know that I was on the verge of the most profound and fundamental life changing discovery.
Now I’m a calm and well balanced individual. I have developed compassion and I continue to be generous but without expectation of return. I discovered that I’m deeply spiritual and I have found peace. I don’t worry about things anymore and I enjoy the simple but beautiful things in life that are free in abundance for us all to enjoy. I have been able to let go of past traumas and I don’t worry about the future because I have cultivated the art of mindfulness, living, enjoying and being in the present moment. I also became a practitioner of Dhamma when I started meditating because the Buddha’s Mindfulness Teachings, gave me the skills to become my own Doctor, my own Teacher, my own Counsellor, my own Therapist and my own saviour. Discovering the art of mindfulness meditation has been the greatest blessing of my life that is continuing to have a positive affect on myself and those around me.
I‘m still experiencing some terrible on-going problems in life, but thanks to the insight gained through meditation I am able to see things clearly for what they are. Understanding the true nature of the problem and how it could affect me in a detrimental way, but only if I allow it to do so. The true nature of life is that bad things will always happen but for every bad situation that arises I realised there is only ever two choices. One choice is to allow myself to be consumed by the problem which will have an extremely negative affect on my well-being, my life and those that care for me. The second choice is to accept it has happened and that there is nothing I can do to change it so there is no point letting what ever has happened spoil my present and future opportunities.
We have no control over the terrible events that occur in life but the one thing we can control in this life is how we let things affect us right here and now as we continue to move forwards and this is something I would have never achieved if I had not been lead to the path of meditation.
The past is gone, it doesn't exist anymore and it can't be changed. What's going to be in the future will be and it's out of our control. The only thing we can really control in this universe is how we let things affect us right here and now in the present moment. If we maintain our well-being in the present moment then what will be is likely to be better than what will be if we are depressed, anxious, stressed and so on... If we take care of the present moment the future will take care of it's self.
I have invested an immense amount of time into practicing meditation along side studying the original teachings and philosophy to gain wisdom and develop the deepest of insight into the true nature of the human mind and the reality of which we find ourselves in. Through determination and commitment I have come from the deepest darkest depths of depression, anger and delusion to developing a well-balanced, calm, happy and peaceful mind.
Through insight gained from my own life experiences and my passionate understanding and commitment to meditation, I believe I am the most suitable person to assist others in helping themselves the same way I did, to find some light at the end of a very dark tunnel after many many years of intensively severe suffering.
It may seem like there is no hope or no way out, but there is if you can find it within yourself to commit and dedicate yourself to the practice.
I spent many years looking for someone else to fix my problems until I realised there was only one person that could help me and that person was me.
I can teach you the techniques, guid you and support you, but only you can make the commitment to gain insight through the development of mindfulness meditation by fully dedicating yourself to the practice which will then naturally transfer to your normal waking state of consciousness in ever day life because Mindfulness is a way of life, not just a practice.
I have a government recognised Meditation teaching qualification with distinction and a Mindfulness teaching qualification recognised by the UK Mindfulness Network.
Without condition, may all beings throughout the universe be well, may they be happy, and may they be at peace.
Thank you for reading my story.